saying goodbye

I can hold my breath
I can bite my tongue
I could stay awake for days if that's what you want
be your number one

I can fake a smile
I can force a laugh
I can dance and play the part
if that's what you ask
give you all I am

I can do it
I can do it
I can do it

But I'm only human
And I bleed when I fall down
I'm only human and I crash and I break down
your words in my head
knives in my heart
you build me up and then I fall apart
cause I'm only human

I can turn it on
be a good machine
I can hold the weight of worlds if that's what you need
be your everything

I can do it
I can do it
I'll get through it

But I'm only human
And I bleed when I fall down
I'm only human and I crash and I break down
your words in my head
knives in my heart
you build me up and then I fall apart
cause I'm only human

I'm only human
I'm only human
just a little human

I can take so much
till I've had enough

Cause I'm only human
And I bleed when I fall down
I'm only human and I crash and I break down
your words in my head
knives in my heart
you build me up and then I fall apart
cause I'm only human
---
Lyrics submitted by Ally Boutte.

• Submit Corrections

Hier geht's zum "Human" Klingelton

Read more at http://www.lyrics.com/human-lyrics-christina-perri.html#4lbaQgjSErIlC6rh.99

I can hold my breath
I can bite my tongue
I could stay awake for days if that's what you want
be your number one

I can fake a smile
I can force a laugh
I can dance and play the part
if that's what you ask
give you all I am

I can do it
I can do it
I can do it

But I'm only human
And I bleed when I fall down
I'm only human and I crash and I break down
your words in my head
knives in my heart
you build me up and then I fall apart
cause I'm only human

I can turn it on
be a good machine
I can hold the weight of worlds if that's what you need
be your everything

I can do it
I can do it
I'll get through it

But I'm only human
And I bleed when I fall down
I'm only human and I crash and I break down
your words in my head
knives in my heart
you build me up and then I fall apart
cause I'm only human

I'm only human
I'm only human
just a little human

I can take so much
till I've had enough

Cause I'm only human
And I bleed when I fall down
I'm only human and I crash and I break down
your words in my head
knives in my heart
you build me up and then I fall apart
cause I'm only human
---
Lyrics submitted by Ally Boutte.

• Submit Corrections

Hier geht's zum "Human" Klingelton

Read more at http://www.lyrics.com/human-lyrics-christina-perri.html#4lbaQgjSErIlC6rh.99

I can hold my breath
I can bite my tongue
I could stay awake for days if that's what you want
be your number one

I can fake a smile
I can force a laugh
I can dance and play the part
if that's what you ask
give you all I am

I can do it
I can do it
I can do it

Read more at http://www.lyrics.com/human-lyrics-christina-perri.html#4lbaQgjSErIlC6rh.99

 

The hardest thing I've ever done was saying goodbye to the bravest man on earth.
I am never ever gonna forget you and everything we went through.
I've learned a lot from you, Mr.Jones.
I believe in those human connections between individuals that are close to each other. Even if most people think that 2 year old Kids can't understand things like that. I've heard that Liam had a ruff day the day I left the U.S. So bad that the new Au Pair couldn't handle him anymore and had to call Kelly. I think he knew something wasn't right.


I'm so happy that I got the chance to be a part in this host family's life. And nobody can ever take it away.
I met this host family in, what I believe, there most challenging and hardest time in there life's. They seemed miserable, lost and tired of life. I met them when Liam was 12 month old. He was so tiny he could fit in 0-3 month pants and 3 to 6 month shirts and 6 month just so it was sitting lose because of his feeding tube. He still had a pick-line that went to his heart. He looked pretty sick and Kelly looked so tired.
Sarah was the sunshine in the family - she still is. She is full of life, funny, silly, lovely, precious, and so kind!
Liam spend pretty much of his first year of life in hospital.
And they never gave up. They got me as there help to get back to all-day-life.
They showed me every single day how important life is which is, I think, one of the most important things in life. Thank you so much!
I'm never gonna forget how Kelly called me a miracle. It really touched me!
There are also my miracle coz they showed me the meaning of life.
They learned to trust me and to find new trust in other people.
I am happy I could help them and I wish them all the luck they can get and the best doctors on earth.
I hope the new AuPair is trying her best just as I did, because this host family is a little different than others. They don't just need a Babysitter.  They need someone who can help Kelly build up her life, someone who can give Sarah a little more childhood and someone who can help Liam when he needs help. Someone who understands.
I hope I chose the right one.

I would never ever have thought that going back home to your home country after 2 years would be so f*****g hard! So many people are telling you that they understand, that they know how hard it is. But they don't. Nobody can understand how hard it is if they haven't been there too. I thought it would be hard to go back but I didn't imagine it to be that incredible hard.
Germans are so different. My sisters are so different. Everything is so small. I am used to have everything in big. Big plates, big cups and glasses, big houses, big cars, a train in front of my house etc.. I am used to strangers asking me how my day is going, strangers smiling at each others, strangers saying "hi"...
Leaving a life behind isn't easy. Starting somewhere in your old life isn't any easier.

My travel month felt like a long journey to understand and to process the last two years and what's gonna happen soon.
It was like a therapy and I guess it helped. It prepared me a little.
I had the best travel buddy on my side: Julia (:
We had such an incredible time.
We started in Chicago and went all the way through St. Louis, Oklahoma City, Amarillo, Dallas, Austin, Big Bend NP, Houston, New Orleans, Memphis, Nashville, Smokey Mountains NP, Louisville, Cincinnati, Indianapolis and all the way back to Chicago. It was an amazing road trip.

This is it, now. This is my last post. My 2 years as an Au Pair are over.
It was the best decision of my life. I could not have it any better. I met tons of people that are from all over the world, I traveled a lot, I met some very important people that I now can call friends, I found a second home and a second family.
I hope I'm gonna meet them soon.

Thanks to all my readers, all your mails and questions! It was a lot of fun for me.

Thank you and goodbye!

Josy


PS: Never give up on your dreams ;)

Two weeks left

I have been sitting here for a long time. Thinking about what I could write, what I could tell you and how to put it all in words. It sounds weird in German so I decided to write it in English:
 
I love my life. And I am so incredible happy that I can write those words down. Every time that I remember how happy I am, I smile. And every single time I remember and smile I'm telling myself that I don't want anything to change.
I am at a point in my life where I have to decide AGAIN. Just two years ago I decided to be an AuPair.
I remember finishing high school and feeling kinda free, not having homework bothering me 24/7, not seeing some annoying class mates, not sitting in class dreaming about what's outside and actually not having a single clue about the teacher's speech.
I am asking myself if it's always working like that in life? Do we always have to decide? Do we always have to make those huge decisions and after choosing a next category we have to move on and keep working, keep fighting, keep pushing ourselves till we are happy again?
I know I just finished high school and finished my first big step after high school. I always thought I love big changes in life. But right know I am not pretty sure about that. Why changing anything if you're happy just like that. Maybe some day I'm gonna understand why.

I have two weeks left. I keep trying to enjoy every single minute. But especially since today I cannot anymore. I just can't. Actually it's really hard sometimes. The new AuPair is arriving Thursday. Tomorrow she's gonna take the plane to NY to the AuPair Academy. This is what's jumping around in my head and it's not calming down at all. Every time I am leaving to meet a friend or just when I want to go outside Sarah keeps asking me if I am going to Germany now.
It hurts.
Every time Liam says my name it hurts. Every time he smiles at me or tries to steel my nose (that's our secret game) it hurts.
I am scared that the time is coming too soon that they're gonna forget me. I know it's gonna come, but I just don't want it to come so soon. It's gonna get hard to get used to it.

I guess everybody who read this is gonna think that I wasn't happy back in Germany. That's not true. I was happy there. But I love America. I love living my life in English. I have to admit that I love this easy life with no responsibilities besides taking care of kids. I don't have to worry about anything.
But since everybody knows that live is short and people started putting up all those rules and laws, that make life complicated I'm gonna clear my spot for THE NEXT ONE. I am worried about someone else is taking in my spot and being far away from this beautiful life over here.
I know I can't be an AuPair forever. Even my Host Kids would grow up some day. It's not that. It's more about leaving too soon. I have this feeling in my tummy that I am leaving too soon and letting everything live on without me. Yeah, I know. Sometimes I am thinking a little too selfish.
I just feel like I took a roller coaster ride that's never gonna end. I feel up and down at the same time which is even impossible on an actual roller coaster. Seriously I can't describe how I feel because I feel so much at the same time that it would sound crazy or weird.
I remember my last day in Germany before I went to the U.S. It felt similar, but this time it's even harder because I know I am not coming back for the next 3 years because of money issues. And If I am coming back some day it's never gonna be like it before how I knew it. That's the sad part.
But everything comes to an end. This is actually the answer to my question if we always have to decide. I guess we have too, because nothing's gonna stay forever.
Life can be so easy and nice and sometimes it can be so hard and exhausting. But this is how we grow. We grow on challenges and take new opportunities. I guess we just have to remind us to when something comes to an end, something new begins.
It sounds a little cheesy.


SO, there is my decision about my future. AGAIN. I really wanna make movies, just finding exciting stories and putting them behind the screen. Working with a ton of people, of course, international. I just love English.
There is nothing in life that is touching me like books and movies do. And since I know that I love being really happy, I decided to give it a try. But how? How on earth can I do that? It's taking me really hard coz I don't have money for a private university. In Germany there are no public schools for the Bachelor of Arts for Movies and Television . I'm gonna try everything that's gonna bring me closer to my dream: Making Movies. So if anybody knows something, pleeeeease message me!

I hope this wasn't too much for you. I even don't know if anyone is ever gonna read it because first of all I haven't been that continuously with writing my blog and second this time it's in English.
But it actually helped myself a little to understand what I am going through.

Happy Easter (:

Josy

Zu wissen, dass man am richtigen Ort gelandet ist

Es schneit seit gestern Abend durchgehend. Da ich ans Haus gefesselt bin, dachte ich, schaue ich mal wieder vorbei bei meinem eigenen Blog.
Es ist so viel passiert. Das letzte Mal habe ich euch vor Monaten geschrieben.
Fangen wir mal damit an, dass es das Jahr 2014 ist. Happy New Year.

Ich bin sprachlos. Dieses Jahr gehe ich nach Deutschland. Und das for sure! Nur noch knapp 4 Monate.
Ich bin gluecklich fuer alle Erfahrungen, die ich hier gemacht habe.

Vor einer Zeit wollte ich euch hier geschrieben haben, wie gluecklich ich bin. Daraus ist dann irgendwie nichts geworden. Aber ich denke gerne an diese Zeit zurueck. Alles hat sich richtig angefuehlt. Ich bin morgens aufgewacht und war einfach so unglaublich gluecklich. Ich BIN in der wohl tollsten Gastfamilie auf Erden. Ich koennte niergendwo gluecklicher sein in den USA als genau hier. Hier in dem kleinen reichen Lake Forest, einem Vorort von Chicago. Mit der besten Host Mum! Kelly und ich sind wie Schwestern. Und auch wenn sie mich als Mirakel bezeichnet, glaube ich eher, dass sie mein Mirakel sind. Es ist als ob sich mein ganzes Leben, auf diese Zeit hier hingearbeitet hat.
Ich bin damals in Seattle gelandet, damit ich nach 10 Monaten in einer neuen Familie verlaengere. Damit ich in California lande und ich die beste Counselorin treffe, die es in den USA gibt: Libby. Und damit Libby mich weiter empfiehlt an ihre Verwandten in Chicago.
Ja, ich glaube an Schicksal. Alles macht einfach Sinn.

Ich bin froh, dass ich mein Glueck endlich auf "Papier" bringe. So kann ich einen kleinen Teil fuer immer festhalten. Ich bin traurig, dass bald das Ende kommt und ich alles hier zureucklassen muss. Meine Gastfamilie ist schon am planen, wann sie mich in Deutschland besuchen kommen.

Diese Gastfamilie hat mich veraendert. Ihr Schicksal bewegt mich jeden Tag aufs Neue.
Sie machen mich staerker und zeigen mir ohne, dass sie es wissen, wie wertvoll das Leben ist.
Liam ist jetzt 18 Monate alt. Und mit 18 Monaten hat er schon mehr durchgemacht, als ich in meinem gesammten Leben von 21,5 Jahren. 21,5 Jahre und 18 Monate. Ich haette nie gedacht, dass ich so viel von einem Baby lernen kann. Mein kleiner Mann. Mein Mr. Jones.
Liam leidet an einer sehr seltenen Krankheit. Sie ist unerforscht, weil es nur wenige Menschen auf der Erde gibt, die daran erkrankt sind.
Man sagt, dass zwischen dem 5 bis 8 Lebensjahr die Knochen sehr gebrechlich werden und schmerzen. Die meisten landen im Rollstuhl.
Liam ist 18 Monate alt. Vor 2 Wochen hoerte er auf zu laufen. Ein Krankenhausbesuch nach dem anderen folgt. Was sie feststellen ist unbegreiflich. Die Strucktur von Liams Knochen sieht sehr schlecht aus. Er hat aufgehoert zu laufen, weil seine Knochen schmerzen. Sogar eine Umarmung tut ihm weh. Sie stellen fest, dass er eine Fraktur an einem seiner Finger an seiner linken Hand hat. Sie ist ein Monat alt.
Seit dem ist alles etwas anders. Auch wenn wir alle wussten, dass es irgendwann so weit ist, ist es trotzdem erschreckend und unbegreiflich.
Manche Tage sind besser, als andere.
Das unfassbare ist, dass Liam trotzalldem so lebensfroh ist. Er kennt es nicht anders. Aber das gibt mir Kraft. Ich liebe meinen kleinen Liam so sehr.

Liam hat eine Phobie gegen Krankenhaeuser, Raeume, die Praxen aehneln, enge Gaenge, Schwingtueren. All das erinnert ihn an seine Besuche im Krankenhaus. Er faengt an zu weinen, klammert sich an dich, kriegt Schweissausbrueche und zittert. Er ist 18 Monate alt. Fast genauso viele Monate, wie ich in den USA bin. Da komme ich mir so albern vor mit meiner Angst vor Spritzen.
Das einzig Positive ist, dass er eine volle Lebenserwartung hat.

Kelly ist so stark. Sie laesst sich nichts anmerken, wenn sie mit Sarah zusammen ist. Meinem Host Dad, Justin, merkt man nichts an. Er arbeitet aber auch viel. Daher sehe ich ihn nicht so oft, wie Kelly.

Ich hoffe, dass eines Tages Forschungen angestellt werden fuer diese Krankheit. Das ist mein Wunsch.

Und das Leben geht weiter. Wir hatten ein schoenes Hanukka und ein schoenes Weihnachten. Wir sehen die guten Dinge im Leben und das ist, was jeder von uns machen sollte.

Ich bewerbe mich fuer das Studium Film Und Fernsehen in Koeln. Das waere mein Traum. (Mein naechster Traum) Amerika habe ich mir schon ermoeglicht und wahrhaftig gelebt. Ich werde die letzten 4,5 Monate noch so sehr leben wie es geht und dann faengt ein neuer Abschnitt meines Lebens an.

Ende Februar haben Maria, Julie und ich unseren Urlaub gebucht nach Florida. Wir machen einen Roadtrip durch Orlando, West Palm Beach, Miami, Everglades National Park und Key West.

Ich frische jetzt mal meine Where I have been-Map auf. Ich war in zwischen schon in Washington DC, New York (again), Connecticut, Toronto und Niagara Faelle und als naechstes gehen wir nach Boston und dann nach Florida.


Happy New Year and stay strong,
Josy