I have been sitting here for a long time. Thinking about what I could write, what I could tell you and how to put it all in words. It sounds weird in German so I decided to write it in English:
I love my life. And I am so incredible happy that I can write those words down. Every time that I remember how happy I am, I smile. And every single time I remember and smile I'm telling myself that I don't want anything to change.
I am at a point in my life where I have to decide AGAIN. Just two years ago I decided to be an AuPair.
I remember finishing high school and feeling kinda free, not having homework bothering me 24/7, not seeing some annoying class mates, not sitting in class dreaming about what's outside and actually not having a single clue about the teacher's speech.
I am asking myself if it's always working like that in life? Do we always have to decide? Do we always have to make those huge decisions and after choosing a next category we have to move on and keep working, keep fighting, keep pushing ourselves till we are happy again?
I know I just finished high school and finished my first big step after high school. I always thought I love big changes in life. But right know I am not pretty sure about that. Why changing anything if you're happy just like that. Maybe some day I'm gonna understand why.
I have two weeks left. I keep trying to enjoy every single minute. But especially since today I cannot anymore. I just can't. Actually it's really hard sometimes. The new AuPair is arriving Thursday. Tomorrow she's gonna take the plane to NY to the AuPair Academy. This is what's jumping around in my head and it's not calming down at all. Every time I am leaving to meet a friend or just when I want to go outside Sarah keeps asking me if I am going to Germany now.
It hurts.
Every time Liam says my name it hurts. Every time he smiles at me or tries to steel my nose (that's our secret game) it hurts.
I am scared that the time is coming too soon that they're gonna forget me. I know it's gonna come, but I just don't want it to come so soon. It's gonna get hard to get used to it.
I guess everybody who read this is gonna think that I wasn't happy back in Germany. That's not true. I was happy there. But I love America. I love living my life in English. I have to admit that I love this easy life with no responsibilities besides taking care of kids. I don't have to worry about anything.
But since everybody knows that live is short and people started putting up all those rules and laws, that make life complicated I'm gonna clear my spot for THE NEXT ONE. I am worried about someone else is taking in my spot and being far away from this beautiful life over here.
I know I can't be an AuPair forever. Even my Host Kids would grow up some day. It's not that. It's more about leaving too soon. I have this feeling in my tummy that I am leaving too soon and letting everything live on without me. Yeah, I know. Sometimes I am thinking a little too selfish.
I just feel like I took a roller coaster ride that's never gonna end. I feel up and down at the same time which is even impossible on an actual roller coaster. Seriously I can't describe how I feel because I feel so much at the same time that it would sound crazy or weird.
I remember my last day in Germany before I went to the U.S. It felt similar, but this time it's even harder because I know I am not coming back for the next 3 years because of money issues. And If I am coming back some day it's never gonna be like it before how I knew it. That's the sad part.
But everything comes to an end. This is actually the answer to my question if we always have to decide. I guess we have too, because nothing's gonna stay forever.
Life can be so easy and nice and sometimes it can be so hard and exhausting. But this is how we grow. We grow on challenges and take new opportunities. I guess we just have to remind us to when something comes to an end, something new begins.
It sounds a little cheesy.
SO, there is my decision about my future. AGAIN. I really wanna make movies, just finding exciting stories and putting them behind the screen. Working with a ton of people, of course, international. I just love English.
There is nothing in life that is touching me like books and movies do. And since I know that I love being really happy, I decided to give it a try. But how? How on earth can I do that? It's taking me really hard coz I don't have money for a private university. In Germany there are no public schools for the Bachelor of Arts for Movies and Television . I'm gonna try everything that's gonna bring me closer to my dream: Making Movies. So if anybody knows something, pleeeeease message me!
I hope this wasn't too much for you. I even don't know if anyone is ever gonna read it because first of all I haven't been that continuously with writing my blog and second this time it's in English.
But it actually helped myself a little to understand what I am going through.
Happy Easter (:
Josy
